I am Hungry...

I think I will start this post with an apology. For I have heard from many people that they enjoy reading my blog because I am witty, clever, and interesting. However, it is not news to me that my last few posts have been somewhat less witty and probably full of non-existing humor.

Truth is, I lay in bed at night thinking of clever ways to put my stories into words but by the time I wake up and get myself to the office in front of my computer the cleverness has somehow slipped off my fingers onto the murky roads it takes me to travel here.

So, I apologize, but this blog is going to be another insight into what is exactly happening in my struggle to figure out life as I know it at the moment.

This past weekend I took two days to focus on prayer, meditation, and reading my bible. It was wonderfully awful. Incredibly painful, yet absolutely beautiful. I still have no idea what it is that God is leading me to exactly, yet I know that He has something spectacular in mind. By that I mean, whatever it is I do, He will be the one to get the Glory. Which has become my ultimate goal.

Last week I also encountered a couple who told me about the call God has on my life and prayed for me on the street in front of everyone. If you want to hear the story.. just email me. It is kind of long.

I long not to be famous, but to be faithful. This is a fight within everyone of us whether we believe in God or not. The self-exaltation and pride that creeps up within each of us. I will be the first to admit that I must fight this urge to do something that will put my name in lights… and instead show His glory to those who do not know it. That is, ultimately why I have a blog… Hey Everyone… Look at what I am doing! What a terrible self-exalting trick we all play with ourselves. This struggle within me is probably why I have stopped trying to be so clever and started to be incredibly honest with you, that you may challenge me in the issues I raise.

I spent the afternoon into the evening yesterday, Sunday, trying to wrap my mind around how I would be able to start an organization that helps Deaf children around the world. What a large task. That is TOO much for me to even think about. Each time I do think about I begin to weep. You can not possibly teach these children about love if they have no education much less no language at all! Where to begin? It is TOO much Lord, TOO much!

Deuteronomy chapter 8: God has led the Israelites into the desert for 40 years and they are HUNGRY. They begin to complain to God and to Moses about the fact that they are hungry and that God isn’t providing for them. They are in a Desert, No food around, No comprehension of how they will be able to eat soon and then… GOD PROVIDES. He provides them with Manna… This is something not only they had never seen but their fathers had never seen… God created something that had never existed in the human mind up until that point to satisfy the need of His people so they can continue on in His will.

‘Gods plan, done in God’s way, will never lack God’s resources.’ –Hudson Taylor (a man who is probably the single most responsible person for the salvation of thousands in China still to this day.)

So, what am I to worry about? (matt 6) I will seek a miracle that of the Manna. God will have to do something out of my comprehension in order to get this organization started, to begin to help these Deaf children all over the world who have no hope at this moment. This is my Holy Ambition. (Romans 15)

I have 39 days left here. To some of you those will be short days and for some.. they might be longer. However, to me... they are exactly enough for what God is doing here.

growing increasingly hungry yet satisfied everyday...

Toni

Toni